“Find You”- my encounter with Jesus

 

I am so excited to be writing this blog post, however I know whatever I write here will fall short of the amazingness I felt and still feel from my unexpected but gratefully received experience!

On monday I was driving along gently winding country roads, surrounded by the rugged beauty of Three Mile Bush – AND Find you by Stan Walker was on repeat. As I really listened to the lyrics the song moved me to tears (the first secular song to ever have this effect on me in my 30years of life). Tears of joy and of pain were just streaming down and in this moment I felt God reigniting a hunger inside of me- a hunger for deep relationship with him, to know his ways, his love, his goodness.

A few seconds later I had an incredible encounter with Jesus- an encounter I will forever replay in my head, where I was inspired, overwhelmed, changed, taught, and encouraged. I want to share this encounter with anyone and everyone, because it made me feel so unashamedly grateful that we have such an unconditionally loving and forgiving heavenly Father! Furthermore, it reignited my belief that love is the greatest thing and when you live a life riddled with challenges- I believe to love means to persevere.

THE ENCOUNTER

Although I could not physically see Jesus, I could sense with all of my being that he was there, he was in the front seat of my car as me and Brooklyn were on our spontaneous morning country drive! I was so unprepared for this encounter, and a few stand out thoughts raced through my head-  I knew that if I asked Jesus in that moment to touch Brooklyn, that Brooklyn would’ve been instantly healed and would exist on earth as he would in heaven. But I was scared to ask Jesus to touch Brooklyn, because whilst I knew my belief was solid enough to believe in an instant miracle for Brooklyn to be completely healed, it would come at the expense of the unbelief I could feel inside me. I could not in that moment believe that my other boys would also be healed if I asked (which I know is ridiculous because Jesus has healed people or brought them back to life without physically going to see them, purely through his words and the ability to receive and believe those words by the asker- which we can easily read about in the Bible).

So- In addition to the unbelief I could feel inside me which would be a barrier/block to the awesome power of Jesus I also thought if I took an instant miracle how on earth can you share with others in similar situations on how the miracle came about? So as all these thoughts rushed through my head I realised the question I needed to ask was what do I do?

I realised that the biggest issue was not Jesus ability to heal but my belief or rather unbelief so instead of asking for the instant miracle for one child I asked what do I do? To have heaven on earth what do I do Jesus? To have heaven on earth, to have the boys as they really are, to be able to share more of this journey and process with others please tell me what do I do??

 

And Jesus answered me, multiple times.

Jesus told me what I needed to do- I needed to see the truth, to see the real identities of the boys as God sees them. (but I don’t know how to do that)

To see the truth means to start small with the truth you do see in the boys. In the same way you use mindfulness, build a solid foundation and the truth will grow from there with practice, belief and trust. You are not alone in this.
(But I’m scared I don’t want to get to excited and pursue this only to come crashing down like before ((more on this at a later date)).
This is about love and truth, about perseverance and knowing you’re not alone in this – this isn’t about pursuing healing out of your own power it’s about believing truth, trusting gods goodness and knowing that any day is a great day for a miracle.

 

I feel eternally grateful that some of my biggest struggles/hurdles/ blocks/ annoying thoughts were dealt with. Praise God! I am grateful that by choosing to love, to focus on the truth not the problem, and to trust in God’s goodness then life will truly be transformed- I want (for myself and for everyone else on this planet who is struggling) to live on earth as we would in heaven!

I’ve not looked into what this song was written for but I continue to listen to it on repeat, as the lyrics speak deep into my soul, the melody transports me back to my encounter and most of all this song reinforces my belief to to persevere and to go on “til I can’t breathe no longer” in pursuit of discovering and seeing my sons true identities.

To see my young boys through Gods eyes, to focus on living my life with love for them, for others, and for the world – , to push through the pain and utilise the fire within to focus on gods goodness not the challenges and disabilities that exist in my sons in this fallen world.
And to unashamedly share this truth that disability and sickness are not punishments from God- rather they are blameless issues, the result of living in a fallen world and overcoming them brings glory to God.

I hope anyone reading this will feel encouraged to believe in the truth, to trust in God, to live with love (Gods love, Jesus love, Holy Spirit’s love, the love you read about in 1 corinthians 13). It is soooo understandable that when life is hard we struggle to see the light, the essence of the Holy Spirit within the darkness! Whether the darkness is autism, sickness, grief, or anything negative – but my friends, always remember we can have heaven on Earth, with god everything is possible,

and my sons – “I’ll find you, No I can’t give up, Cos I’m gonna find you”

Kororia ki te Atua

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Power in words

This past week has bombarded me with a theme of messages- there’s power in the words you speak over your life, there’s power in the tongue, what you say has the ability to help somebody rise up or to completely knock them down. On social media, tv, radio- this message has been unavoidable.

So after hearing this message for the fifth time in the same day, I started to really think about what this means for me right now

I came to the conclusion that these messages have been repetitive in the hope that I will try to

  • Be kinder to others with the words I speak- whilst keeping emotions under control 
  • Value myself and my role of a mother far more than I have been 
  • Use my words to boost my children, my family, my friends whenever we interact
  • Praise god for his goodness and for heaven, regardless of the circumstances around me in the natural fallen world 

So thank god for his unconditional love and the strength he can happily provide anyone, who like me is aiming to utilise the power of their words 

Life changing dream

A pivotal moment in my life that I never want to forget is when I was blessed with an instant miracle. Recently (sept/oct) I had a dream like no other- I was in front of these amazing ethereal type beings and I felt nervous and scared but not frightened. All of a sudden my heart was ripped out and passed around the many “beings”- disgusting black/grey soot and smoke came out of my heart as it was passed around. “These are of the devil”- I could hear them say and I knew they meant the feelings I was holding in my heart. Once they had finished transforming my heart it was put back inside me and when I woke up the next day I felt different- the feelings I use to harbour of jealousy, envy, anger, despair, sadness because all of my children are affected by autism has gone. The numerous limitations I had placed on myself because of these debilitating feelings has gone. Kororia ki te atua (glory to God).

Seeing past autism

It’s taken me years to process and get my head around how to even start to appreciate my boys without accepting their autism and ID diagnosis! It wasn’t until about 3 years ago (1 year into my Christian journey) that I actually learnt about a loving God, who didn’t give you autism to teach you a lesson or punish you for your past indiscretions! However, this beautiful life changing revelation also brought with it a lot of sadness and a sense of failure on my part, because for the next 3 years I struggled with understanding how you could live a life where you didn’t have to have autism (because our God is not a God of sickness), and yet autism was a part of my everyday life. Unfortunately, the stresses of raising three boys diagnosed with autism led me to the darkest depths of despair that I’ve ever experienced in my life!

Anyway, yesterday for the first time I had a realisation that my boys are not autism, their identity is not autism BUT they are affected by autism and thus their behaviours, struggles with communication, sensory issues, and unawareness of danger and social boundaries reflects this. I do not love autism, I do not like autism, I believe in miracles and God’s power and that there is no autism in heaven BUT it’s not my job to fix or get rid of autism (because boy have I tried for 9 years to get rid of it), NOW though I can trust in God for that (which isn’t an easy task, but one I am looking forward to trying).

As mum to these bundles of energy, it is my job to provide love, care, attention, a safe environment and nourishment to these boys (even when it means cooking three different meals so that they’ll all eat one thing off their plate). It is my job as their mother to raise them to be the best them they can be- whatever that looks like! AND It is most definitely my job to stand up for their rights, and to speak up for their needs in a society that can be harsh and uninclusive.

It is my privilege to celebrate every success and bit of progress they make- like helping to pull up their own pants, or recognising the phrase “go car” and heading for the door, or amazing progress- when you yell the word ‘stop’ as they go to run too far from you and they actually listen to the word- no bribe required. It is my privilege to learn who they are as individuals and interact with them the best I can. For the first time in a decade, it’s life changing and exciting to be valuing my role as a mum/carer!

The last point I want to share is that I’ve realised that this life I’m living is about seeing past the effects of autism which can too easily steal, kill and destroy your joy, happiness, enthusiasm and zest for life. And I am so very ready to start living a life where I stop comparing my own life to that of neurotypical/ normal situations (it’s just torturous). No one’s life is perfect, and autism is stressful to deal with BUT my boys are beautiful unique individuals and I want to focus on who they really are- their real identity, the essence of who they are BECAUSE they are NOT autism!

from victim to victor :)

 

The cold grip of sadness clasps my heart as who you really are drowns under the heaviness of struggle

The disgusting injustice you undeservedly experience taints too many of our interactions

Cruel stares and icy judgements uninvitedly pierce our existence when we are anywhere other than the sanctuary of our home

Why try venture out of isolation when the world in which we must live steals or destroys our minute moments of happiness?

A poem by JaimeeRae

For the past decade I have been CONSUMED by autism. My brain has literally focused on the pain, the stress, the unpredictability and insane workload autism brings with it. Whether it’s the autistic spectrum disorder diagnosis itself or the unpredictable sleeping pattern, excessive anxiety the children experience, intellectual disability, the non-verbal/ unclear communication system or sensory issues- a combination of any of these has and does wreak havoc in my life. As if this wasn’t enough, trying to access things in society such as early childhood centres, supermarkets, playgrounds, doctor’s offices, shops- far too often these experiences have been riddled with negative judgements and comments from strangers.

Thankfully, these past few months have helped me to realise that I am no longer consumed by autism and stress- yes I am definitely still affected but I am in a more exciting headspace! I feel as if the chains of autism that have bound me for years are finally broken!

I am excited to be in a headspace where I am looking forward to further developing my self-identity.  An identity that will co-exist with my firmly established identity  of “mama” “mum” or “mommy” to three beautiful boys.

Kororia ki te Atua…

 

My definition of Acceptance

having autism in my life for the past 10 years has lead me to experience some of the scariest and most stressful moments I’ve experienced, as well as being a major contributing factor to my downward spiral into depression.

However, from these depths of despair I have been learning to redefine my life and one of the significant changes that continues to help me figure out how to THRIVE in this life is because of my redefinition of acceptance.

For me Acceptance is when you acknowledge the challenging, excessively demanding lifestyle and workload that a life as a solo mum of 3 beautiful boys affected by autism brings.

Rather than being okay with the current reality my focus is to learn how to best live with the challenges of unfairness, the pain of injustice, and the high levels of stress involved in daily life.

Acceptance in this instance allows me to withdraw my energy from the loss, shift my attention from the lack, and begin to invest in life

A life where anytime is a great time for a miracle, nothing is impossible with God, and love never fails……

 

me me me me me :)

The purpose of my blog is to be able to have a place to write down my thoughts- in all their honesty, and I hope those who read it can relate in their own way to my journey. Also, I would love for readers to share in my newly founded belief that “YOU can live a life where YOU thrive regardless of your circumstances”.

Some minor details-

My name is JaimeeRae and I am :

  • a solo mum to three beautiful boys – (diagnosed with autism 😦 ),
  • a “new” Christian -(IMPORTANT NOTE- I am about relationship NOT religion)
  • of Maori and Niuean descent – (I have so much to learn about both of these cultures that make up who I am)

Thanks for reading