I am so excited to be writing this blog post, however I know whatever I write here will fall short of the amazingness I felt and still feel from my unexpected but gratefully received experience!
On monday I was driving along gently winding country roads, surrounded by the rugged beauty of Three Mile Bush – AND Find you by Stan Walker was on repeat. As I really listened to the lyrics the song moved me to tears (the first secular song to ever have this effect on me in my 30years of life). Tears of joy and of pain were just streaming down and in this moment I felt God reigniting a hunger inside of me- a hunger for deep relationship with him, to know his ways, his love, his goodness.
A few seconds later I had an incredible encounter with Jesus- an encounter I will forever replay in my head, where I was inspired, overwhelmed, changed, taught, and encouraged. I want to share this encounter with anyone and everyone, because it made me feel so unashamedly grateful that we have such an unconditionally loving and forgiving heavenly Father! Furthermore, it reignited my belief that love is the greatest thing and when you live a life riddled with challenges- I believe to love means to persevere.
Although I could not physically see Jesus, I could sense with all of my being that he was there, he was in the front seat of my car as me and Brooklyn were on our spontaneous morning country drive! I was so unprepared for this encounter, and a few stand out thoughts raced through my head- I knew that if I asked Jesus in that moment to touch Brooklyn, that Brooklyn would’ve been instantly healed and would exist on earth as he would in heaven. But I was scared to ask Jesus to touch Brooklyn, because whilst I knew my belief was solid enough to believe in an instant miracle for Brooklyn to be completely healed, it would come at the expense of the unbelief I could feel inside me. I could not in that moment believe that my other boys would also be healed if I asked (which I know is ridiculous because Jesus has healed people or brought them back to life without physically going to see them, purely through his words and the ability to receive and believe those words by the asker- which we can easily read about in the Bible).
So- In addition to the unbelief I could feel inside me which would be a barrier/block to the awesome power of Jesus I also thought if I took an instant miracle how on earth can you share with others in similar situations on how the miracle came about? So as all these thoughts rushed through my head I realised the question I needed to ask was what do I do?
I realised that the biggest issue was not Jesus ability to heal but my belief or rather unbelief so instead of asking for the instant miracle for one child I asked what do I do? To have heaven on earth what do I do Jesus? To have heaven on earth, to have the boys as they really are, to be able to share more of this journey and process with others please tell me what do I do??
And Jesus answered me, multiple times.
Jesus told me what I needed to do- I needed to see the truth, to see the real identities of the boys as God sees them. (but I don’t know how to do that)
To see the truth means to start small with the truth you do see in the boys. In the same way you use mindfulness, build a solid foundation and the truth will grow from there with practice, belief and trust. You are not alone in this.
(But I’m scared I don’t want to get to excited and pursue this only to come crashing down like before ((more on this at a later date)).
This is about love and truth, about perseverance and knowing you’re not alone in this – this isn’t about pursuing healing out of your own power it’s about believing truth, trusting gods goodness and knowing that any day is a great day for a miracle.
I feel eternally grateful that some of my biggest struggles/hurdles/ blocks/ annoying thoughts were dealt with. Praise God! I am grateful that by choosing to love, to focus on the truth not the problem, and to trust in God’s goodness then life will truly be transformed- I want (for myself and for everyone else on this planet who is struggling) to live on earth as we would in heaven!
I’ve not looked into what this song was written for but I continue to listen to it on repeat, as the lyrics speak deep into my soul, the melody transports me back to my encounter and most of all this song reinforces my belief to to persevere and to go on “til I can’t breathe no longer” in pursuit of discovering and seeing my sons true identities.
To see my young boys through Gods eyes, to focus on living my life with love for them, for others, and for the world – , to push through the pain and utilise the fire within to focus on gods goodness not the challenges and disabilities that exist in my sons in this fallen world.
And to unashamedly share this truth that disability and sickness are not punishments from God- rather they are blameless issues, the result of living in a fallen world and overcoming them brings glory to God.
I hope anyone reading this will feel encouraged to believe in the truth, to trust in God, to live with love (Gods love, Jesus love, Holy Spirit’s love, the love you read about in 1 corinthians 13). It is soooo understandable that when life is hard we struggle to see the light, the essence of the Holy Spirit within the darkness! Whether the darkness is autism, sickness, grief, or anything negative – but my friends, always remember we can have heaven on Earth, with god everything is possible,
and my sons – “I’ll find you, No I can’t give up, Cos I’m gonna find you”
Kororia ki te Atua